curb your people pleasing 🤝

Hello dear reader,

I remember a while back going for a walk with a friend in the park and she was offloading to me about the number of things that she had on her plate. She had a full time job in the charity sector, parents that needed her, children that needed her, voluntary responsibilities. Basically there was plenty on her plate and she wasn’t quite managing it at that time. We chatted about what might be able to come off her plate, and how she could get some balance back. 

Fast forward two days. She’d been at her daughter's secondary induction evening, just an informal information evening. I asked her how it went as it was their eldest child and so the first time doing the secondary school thing. 

 She looked sheepish.

 She said it was fine. But I could tell there was something she didn’t want to tell me. But being the open book that she is, she couldn’t help it. 

 She’d found herself ‘accidentally’ signing to join the PTA.  

She felt awful for the person who was asking for new members. Nobody responded straight away. And so she stepped into the gap, and her hand (seemingly, without the full agreement of her brain)  lifted into the air and agreed to take on another responsibility…

This is a classic example of people pleasing: a pattern of behaviour in which an individual consistently puts others' needs, feelings, or desires before their own in an attempt to be liked, to avoid conflict, or to maintain harmony

In and of itself, it is not a bad thing, but if it happens too often it can lead to a high level of self-sacrifice, constantly prioritising others over yourself, and the suppression of your own needs and feelings.

This in turn leads to exhaustion, low self-esteem and a feeling of being powerless, or trapped

ASK YOURSELF: do I have to give an answer straight away? Can I build in some thinking time? Usually we don’t have to say yes with quite the urgency we think we do, and so build in some thinking time before you agree to do the thing

ASK YOURSELF: what’s driving this behaviour? Is it genuinely me trying to be kind, or am I trying to be liked, accepted, validated? Is there a fear underneath the behaviour? It’s absolutely fine to prioritise others but do it wholeheartedly if you do it at all

ASK YOURSELF: If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?

ASK YOURSELF: How can I kindly decline? How can I not make this into a busy competition and justify myself? What does a polite no thank you look like? (one phrase I like - “my plate is as full as I like right now”)

Hope these top tips help you beat people pleasing. Hit reply and let me know if this resonated with you! 

Until next week,  

Hannah x