Comparison is the thief of joy
Hello dear reader,
Years ago, when the boys were small, we bought a house from an old lady that needed a lot of work on it. We extended, knocked walls and ceilings down, rewired, plastered, painted, pretty much built a new house in an old shell. We had a really tight budget, and did as much as we could ourselves. I love our home.
Years later, my next door neighbour decided to build an extension to their kitchen. It’s lovely. It’s bigger than ours.
When I went round to see it once it was completed, it was the first time *ever* that I had wondered if ours was too small.
Ridiculous.
I found myself looking at what I had, comparing it to someone else, and feeling like what I had was no longer good enough.
I’m embarrassed to even say this out loud, and I did give my head a wobble very quickly, but the reality is, comparison can strike at any time, for any reason.
There’s few reasons why we compare.
1. We feel lacking, and so we feel rubbish.
This is when we find ourselves comparing and feeling like we don’t have what others do. Materially, physically, or a whole host of other comparisons. Not as thin, not as athletic, not as clever, not as accomplished, not as promoted, not as financially secure, not as married, not as happy, not as funny, not as nice a car and and and… We see what someone else has got, and we come off lacking. Horrible feeling. We’re left hunting for ways to fill the void, how to pick up our game, longing to be in a different place, and our joy for the other person diminishes in line with our sense of self worth. Nobody wins.
2. We feel in the ascendancy, and so we feel temporarily good, and then feel rubbish.
This is when we find ourselves comparing to others and coming off on top. Getting the promotion, getting better grades, deciding we are slimmer, prettier, cleverer, happier, comparing the size of our houses, the brilliance of our children, the circle of friends and seeing that we are winning. This feels good. We feel worthy, and we feel those self-esteem gremlins pushed aside. Temporarily. Because then we catch up with ourselves and realise this is really not a very nice way to live or be thinking, and then we feel the ick, as my children would say. Icky that we have made ourselves feel better as someone else’s expense.
3. We’re trying to make sense of a situation, and that’s OK.
We also find ourselves comparing to others in order to make sense. How am I doing? How am I behaving, am I doing the right thing, am I fitting in, is this the way to do things? This is called social comparison theory and actually really quite natural. Being sure we are behaving in the right way so we don’t really embarrass ourselves at the office party, and so we can also be inspired towards what’s out there, who we can be, towards further self development and improvement. Seeing what others have done, and what might be out there for us. This is the leats damaging form of comparison and part of what makes us human. Reading stories of success and growth, and thinking ‘maybe that can be me, too’.
In this week’s podcast episode, I talk in much more detail about my own experiences of comparison, how it has held me back and what we can do to help ourselves to get free from it. It really is the thief of joy in the vast majority of cases and means we end up missing out on all the wonderful things right before our eyes. I shed some light on what we can do when the comparison gremlins strike, how we don’t have to feed it and be passive to it, and what we can do instead.
1 quote
“After so many years struggling to keep up with you, I finally realized we’re not even running the same race.”
― Scott Stabile
1 stat
61% of social media users felt that they often compared themselves to others on social media, leading to feelings of inadequacy and decreased self-esteem (Pew Research Center, 2018).
1 question
What current habit in your life is breeding the wrong kind of comparison in your life?
Hope you enjoy the episode,
Until next time,
Hannah x