Are you a people pleaser? 👀

Hello dear reader,

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the phrase ‘people pleaser’. It’s quite a negative phrase, nobody uses it when trying to describe themselves positively. It’s what we do when:

• we can’t say no

• we don’t like to let other people down

• we worry about how people view us 

• we do stuff we don’t want to do 

• we put others need before our own

Simply put, it’s when we do something for all the wrong reasons.

When we do things for the wrong reasons, we’re left stretched, frustrated, and even resentful. We have given when we didn’t really have anything left, and found ourselves empty and exhausted. 

Possibly not even appreciated, and ending up being expected to do it again and again. 

Saying yes when inside we meant no. 

Often, there are deeper reasons for why we do it - and I think that’s worth us stopping to think about. Why do we people please? Why do we say or do something diametrically opposed to what we wanted to say or do? 

Here’s a few reasons to consider and decide if any apply to you… 

• we have a deeper fear of being rejected

• we grew up in a home where approval was conditional

• we use external validation as a coping mechanism 

• we have little awareness of our own needs

• we are unable to cope with confrontation 

• we have low self-worth

• we believe our worth is based on others’ opinions 

• we have been taught that saying no is selfish

• we feel an overwhelming responsibility for others’ happiness 

A few of these have hit home for me, to be honest. This is what it looks like for me in my day to day.

Sometimes I say yes to pieces of work when I am too busy because I’m not fully aware of my own needs, and I don’t prioritise them.

Sometimes I fit in seeing friends and making time for people because I feel responsible for their happiness.

Sometimes I say yes because I think that what others’ think of me is more important than what I think of me.

Sometimes I go over and above because in some seasons, my sense of approval and validation has felt conditional.

Here’s the thing - I’m learning that the act of what I do, whatever it is, isn’t actually the issue: it’s the reasons why I am doing it. 

So, the application of this for me, is to think carefully about the why underneath the yes (or no). 

Why am I doing this? 

Is it a wholehearted yes? 

Have I recognised this might cost me time and energy, and is that OK?

And then, if I choose to say yes, even if it puts me out: does that still mean I am people pleasing? Maybe, but could I then be doing it from a different foundation?

Perhaps, friends, there are times to say a hard no. Sorry, my plates is as full as I like - I can’t do that extra errand or job or even a fun thing that’s no longer a fun thing because I’m too tired or busy. 

Perhaps, too, friends, there are times to count the cost and say yes. Yes, my plate is quite full, but I am willing to do this for you. I am choosing to do something that might not be my first choice, because sometimes this is what we do, and sometimes, perhaps people do that for me, too. 

I’m not meaning to be controversial, or suggest that you should be a doormat all your life. 

But, maybe we can reframe people pleasing. Let’s not do it out of obligation or without thought, but instead, we can be mindful, and choose to say yes, if it feels right to please someone else. 

Because, when did pleasing another human become such a negative turn of phrase?

I’m going to try hard this week for my yes to be a wholehearted one, and to say no if I really don’t mean it (or I mean it for all the wrong reasons).

I hope this gives you some food for thought. If you’d like to ponder on this one a bit more, do listen to this week’s podcast episode all about people pleasing, why we do it and how we can do it better!