Tough Conversations 😬

Hello!

You’re in a team meeting, and you’ve been asked to prepare some thoughts. For each member of the team, you need to share three positive contributions that really help the team to perform, and one thing that occasionally hinders the group’s (or individual’s) performance. Do you:

- Feign a serious illness so you don’t have to attend?

- Relish the opportunity for some DMCs*?

- Over-prepare and hope you don’t have to go first?

We did this recently as a team. Zo was all for it, Laura felt a bit sick at the thought, and I was the one who instigated it in the first place. It actually went really well. We all shared our positive reflections and discussed areas for improvement. Nobody died. It was a really good experience.

There are reasons why it worked: we prepared, we trusted each other, and we gave positive feedback. It was equitable, fair, and forward-focused.

Now, there are plenty of reasons why these conversations often don’t work. Let’s explore a few:

1.They lack focus

Sometimes, developmental feedback starts with a specific issue but then veers off into random events you can’t even recall, making it impossible to provide an alternative perspective. It ends up feeling more like a personal attack than a genuine opportunity to grow.  

**TIP**: Keep the feedback specific; take one aspect and focus on that.

2.They lack trust

When we’re having these tough conversations, you’re at a disadvantage if the person doesn’t trust you. These conversations are difficult enough when conditions are perfect, but if the individual on the receiving end doesn’t believe you have their best interests at heart, or you don’t have a track record of trust and investment, then it’s best not to even go there.  

**TIP**: Build relationships first. Spend time one-to-one with your colleague and ensure they know your intentions are good.

3.They lack communication

I remember receiving emails late on a Friday saying, “Hannah, can we meet at 8 am on Monday in my office?” What does your mind do when you receive emails like this? You might be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t make assumptions, but I certainly am not. I’d convinced myself I was either going to lose my job or receive a severe telling-off. I never assumed these conversations were for positive reasons (and I’m generally an optimistic person!).  

**TIP**: Don’t withhold information—it feels controlling and leaves people jumping to conclusions. Instead, share what you can to put their mind at ease.

4.They lack facts

I recall one particular instance where I received critical feedback. I can’t remember all the details, but I distinctly remember that a huge piece of the puzzle had been missed. My perspective hadn’t been considered, and certain basic facts seemed unaccounted for. There are always two sides to every story, so when we need to have a difficult conversation, we should leave space for the other person’s perspective and gather all the facts before jumping to conclusions.  

**TIP**: Ask yourself, what assumptions am I making? What don’t I know?

5.They lack a future perspective

If we’re going to have difficult conversations, we need to think carefully about what we want to achieve. What’s the goal? How could this conversation enable someone to improve in the future? If it’s just an airing of grievances, it will feel bruising and lack a constructive outcome.  

**TIP**: Consider the intention and desired outcome of the conversation. What would success look like in the future if this issue were resolved?

In today’s podcast episode, we continue from last week’s discussion on receiving critical feedback. This episode focuses on being the one who has to give it. Laura joins us in the conversation, and together we explore:

- The personality factor—why some of us embrace it while others run from it

- The Goldilocks rule

- The “Radical Candor” matrix by Kim Malone Scott—what it is and why it works

- What COINS is and how it can help

Before I sign off, here’s a quote, a stat, and a question to get you thinking:

1 Quote:

“We learn more from our mistakes than our successes, more from criticism than from praise. Why, then, is it important to give more praise than criticism? Several reasons. First, it guides people in the right direction. It’s just as important to let people know what to do more of as what to do less of. Second, it encourages people to keep improving. In other words, the best praise does a lot more than just make people feel good. It can actually challenge them directly.”  

– Kim Malone Scott

1 Stat:  

According to Gallup, only 26% of employees strongly agree that the feedback they receive helps them do better work.

1 Question:

Think of a time when a feedback conversation didn’t go well. Looking back, which of the five elements—focus, trust, communication, facts, or future perspective—was missing, and how could it have been handled differently?

Love,  

Hannah x

*DMC – Deep and Meaningful Conversations